It's Almost May... that means Mother's Day

I can honestly say that I do not remember Mother's Day before my mom died. Isn't that weird? I did not realize this until last Mother's day, which was my first one as a mother. I am sure I made my mom construction paper cards and I am sure my dad attempted to make breakfast or something along those lines. I can remember many holidays and even "regular" days from the first ten year of my life. I am clueless as to why I cannot remember a single Mother's Day with my mom.

I do remember many Mother's Days since my mom died. I often dreaded seeing the calendar change from April to May. The anticipation killed me. Would my dad even mention it? He rarely did. Would I be busy that day and forget about it? Fat chance! How could I forget about it... it's everywhere.

Some Mother's Days were better than others. I remember one year shortly after my mom died I went to Adventureland with my good friend Stacie and her mom and sister. What a day! It must have been the May after she died because I can distinctly remember feeling like I had not smiled that much in a long time. There was another when I spent the day with my God-parents and cousins. I think I even took a walk down to the beach that day. It was bittersweet because I remembered all the great times the two families had spent together over the years. Boy, how life changes!

Some Mother's Days have been awkward. One of the first Mother's Day I was married I felt like crying the whole day. Not only did I miss my mom terribly, but I had been going through infertility treatments and had extra hormones pumping through my body. We had taken my Mother-in-law to brunch the day before and gone to the cemetery and the hospital (to visit my husband's grandmother) on Sunday. I thought my family obligations had been fulfilled and I could cry alone in bed while watching Beaches for the remainder of the day. Instead, it was a barbecue at my in-laws' house. It wasn't terrible, but my heart was not into it. And apparently, my mother-in-law picked up on it. I got in a little trouble!

Last Mother's Day was my first as a mom and it was a little awkward, too. Jake was less than 2 months old. We had breakfast as a family (just the three of us) and then made my obligatory cemetery run. We spent more time in the car than actually at my parents' graves. Then, we went to my in-laws for dinner. This time my heart was a little more into it but I still missed my mom terribly. When will that end?

So, I am already feeling a little jumpy at talk of planning this year's festivities. I have heard that maybe my gorgeous, smart, talented, sweet, amazing little boy has created something for me at daycare. I have a feeling it includes hand prints and plaster of paris. I'm psyched! Whatever it is, I will treasure it.

Happy (early) Mother's Day!