It's Almost May... that means Mother's Day

I can honestly say that I do not remember Mother's Day before my mom died. Isn't that weird? I did not realize this until last Mother's day, which was my first one as a mother. I am sure I made my mom construction paper cards and I am sure my dad attempted to make breakfast or something along those lines. I can remember many holidays and even "regular" days from the first ten year of my life. I am clueless as to why I cannot remember a single Mother's Day with my mom.

I do remember many Mother's Days since my mom died. I often dreaded seeing the calendar change from April to May. The anticipation killed me. Would my dad even mention it? He rarely did. Would I be busy that day and forget about it? Fat chance! How could I forget about it... it's everywhere.

Some Mother's Days were better than others. I remember one year shortly after my mom died I went to Adventureland with my good friend Stacie and her mom and sister. What a day! It must have been the May after she died because I can distinctly remember feeling like I had not smiled that much in a long time. There was another when I spent the day with my God-parents and cousins. I think I even took a walk down to the beach that day. It was bittersweet because I remembered all the great times the two families had spent together over the years. Boy, how life changes!

Some Mother's Days have been awkward. One of the first Mother's Day I was married I felt like crying the whole day. Not only did I miss my mom terribly, but I had been going through infertility treatments and had extra hormones pumping through my body. We had taken my Mother-in-law to brunch the day before and gone to the cemetery and the hospital (to visit my husband's grandmother) on Sunday. I thought my family obligations had been fulfilled and I could cry alone in bed while watching Beaches for the remainder of the day. Instead, it was a barbecue at my in-laws' house. It wasn't terrible, but my heart was not into it. And apparently, my mother-in-law picked up on it. I got in a little trouble!

Last Mother's Day was my first as a mom and it was a little awkward, too. Jake was less than 2 months old. We had breakfast as a family (just the three of us) and then made my obligatory cemetery run. We spent more time in the car than actually at my parents' graves. Then, we went to my in-laws for dinner. This time my heart was a little more into it but I still missed my mom terribly. When will that end?

So, I am already feeling a little jumpy at talk of planning this year's festivities. I have heard that maybe my gorgeous, smart, talented, sweet, amazing little boy has created something for me at daycare. I have a feeling it includes hand prints and plaster of paris. I'm psyched! Whatever it is, I will treasure it.

Happy (early) Mother's Day!

Give Kids (and Adults) the World

As a good friend was getting ready to take a very special trip with her husband and 4 year old son I once again began to think about how important it was (and is) to me to make memories with my family. About sixteen months ago, my friend's son was diagnosed with leukemia. His road to recovery is long but the prognosis is good. The family's "new normal" includes things that became my family's "normal" when I was a child and my mom was diagnosed with cancer -- port-a-catheters, steroids, chemo, upset stomachs, etc. This amazing little boy's wish was granted and he was able to take a trip to Walt Disney World, allowing the family to get away and make some new memories. This is what got me thinking!

I remember so much of the mundane, sad, dreary aspects of my mom's illness. She was finally diagnosed in May 1988 with the cancer that had been plaguing her since late 1987. Between May 1988 and January 1989 she suffered greatly and my family's "new normal" became an awful mixture of daily activities a little girl was used to, hospital stays, in-home nursing care, and my dad's first heart-attack. Wouldn't it have been amazing for my mom to have had a wish granted? Not just for her, but for us, too. I have been blessed with an amazing memory, but I have to say there were not that many happy times to be remembered while my mom was ill. What an amazing gift it is to have a wish granted!

I know that my friend was a little apprehensive to go on this amazing trip with her family because she was afraid it would remind her that her precious little boy is really very ill. He is doing wonderfully now, but I suppose there is always fear that things could change. It seems as if the miraculous-ness of the trip, and especially of their lodging accommodations was worth the anxiety my friend experienced. The family stayed at an incredible place called Give Kids the World Village. It sounds like an amazing place filled with love, honor, tender loving care, and fun. I wondered if such experiences were available for adults, like my mom who could benefit from such love, honor, tender loving care, and fun. I was pleasantly surprised to find that such organizations do exist! Here are some that I found: Dream Foundation, The Dream Lives On, One Gift, and Her Heart's Wish. I look forward to learning more about these organizations.

Welcome!

Thanks for visiting!

I have been thinking about creating this blog for awhile, and am excited to see where it goes. I have been a "motherless daughter" since I was ten years old and only recently became a "motherless mother" when my son was born in March 2008. Even though I have been without my mom for 20 years, each day brings new challenges and emotions.

When I was a teenager and college student I often found myself trying to find other young women whose moms had died would even day dream about getting together and sharing stories. I remember the day I found Hope Edelman's book, Motherless Daughters in my college bookstore. I silently wept on the "T" as I began to read it on my train ride back to my dorm room. When I began teaching high school I had the same desire -- to find those teenagers who had lost their moms and let them know they were not alone despite the unbearable loneliness I knew they were experiencing.

I guess the 2009 version of the day dream I have had is this blog. I am looking forward to sharing the challenges and emotions of motherless daughters and motherless mothers with other women who have lost their moms.

Thanks again for visiting!