Taking Advice from Mama Rose

“You have to take the rough with the smooth, Baby.” Despite not have Mama Rose as my mama, I have been living by this motto for a long time. October is kind of a rough month for me. My mom’s birthday in the 7th and my parents’ anniversary is the 12th. I am thinking about my parents constantly – and missing them. I am trying to count my blessings, though. I am trying not to let the rough days get me too down.

My mom would have been 59 this month. How can that be? She was only 38 when she died. Now, as a 31 year old woman, I understand why people tend to gasp when they hear the answer to the question, “How old was she when she died?” You would be amazed at the number of times this question has been asked to me lately. Maybe I am just more aware of the gasps now and those conversations are becoming more memorable. How could she have died so young? It just does not seem like the right order. My mom’s mother just turned 90! She looks and feels great. When someone asked her for words of wisdom about aging she did not quote The Bible, or Deepak Chopra, or even Oprah. She quoted Alfred E. Newman and said, “What me? Worry?” Yes, you read that correctly. My 90 year old, church-going, sweet, intelligent, and well-read grandma quoted the boy who is the face of Mad Magazine. Isn’t she awesome? Her words struck me. I thought, if only it were that easy. I am sure my mom was a stressed working mother and wife. Aren’t we all?! But I am sure she would have meditated 24/7 if that meant not getting cancer and leaving her 10 year old daughter. My grandma has seen it all. She has taken the rough with the smooth and keeps on going. She is an inspiration to me. As I get older I realize how much we have in common, even though I have grown up so far away from her. She has given me motherly advice when I have asked for it, even when it was about my non-existent relationship with my dad’s mother. She is one of the blessings I am trying to remember as I plod through this month.

My parents would have been married 35 years this month. That also seems strange to me. When she died, they had been married just over 14 years. Fourteen years feels like nothing now! Fourteen years ago I was just starting my senior year of high school. I met my husband a year later. It feels like yesterday. I try to remember aspects of my parents’ marriage when the “rough” rears its ugly head at our house. It is weird. I don’t remember much about the interaction between my mom and dad. I don’t know why. It scares me when I don’t remember things about them that I try to recall. Will this eventually happen with all my memories? I certainly hope not. Maybe it is this fear that makes me walk the edge between nostalgic packrat and hoarder. I always thought my vivid memory was a blessing and I hope it never fails me. Those memories get me through the rough times, too.

Another “thing” that has been getting me through the rough times is the scale. Yes. You read that correctly. This past Spring, I made a commitment to make some serious life changes to ensure I did everything in my power to avoid making Jake a motherless son. Those changes are paying off and the pounds are coming off. It has been difficult, annoying, but extremely empowering. As of tonight I have lost 37 pounds. For one of the first times in my life, I can honestly say that I am proud of myself. I have a long road ahead of me, but I am so exciting to see where it takes me (hopefully it will lead me to J.Crew).

Thanks for reading.

So, I'm in my thirties now...

I remember my mom when she was in her thirties. I remember her as a young, vibrant, funny, creative, and caring mom. At the same time, she was a sage. She knew it all and always had the answers. I remember her tearing up one day while we were watching Little House on the Prairie. She told me she was jealous that Mrs. Ingalls always knew the right things to say. I was too young to really talk to her about this, but I remember thinking to myself, what is she talking about? She does know exactly what to say.

I turned thirty last July and now as my thirty-first birthday approaches, I am beginning to feel antsy. It is certainly not that I am feeling depressed about getting old. I guess in a way, it is the opposite. I still feel so young. My mom must have felt young also. She was thirty-seven when she was diagnosed with cancer. She died when she was thirty-eight. I know my son is a lot younger than I was when my mom died, but I am sure I will still feel like he's a baby when he turns ten.

When my son was born I felt like I finally felt the kind of love my mom must have felt for me for the ten years we had together. I always knew my mom loved me, but I felt it when I had my tiny newborn in my arms. Now, as I am getting ready to turn thirty-one I feel like I am beginning to understand what she must have felt like as she became ill and was dying. It was clear that my mom never wanted to leave me, but this solidifies it -- she must have felt tortured to think that she had to leave me. It must have been so hard for her to get sick. We had a busy, active, and fun life before she became ill. Everything changed then, forever.

I want my thirties to turn into my forties, not come to an abrupt end at thirty-eight. I have made some important changes in my life to try to make that happen. This motherless mama does not want her son to wonder what it's like to have old parents.

Bring on my thirties!!!!

I sat in my car for about twenty minutes today in the gym parking lot trying to figure out if I really wanted to go inside. What if I looked like an idiot? Do I just hold onto my car keys? Do I wipe off the equipment before, after, or before and after I use it? Do I show the person at the desk my key chain or do I just tell him or her my number? Do I really want to make a change in my life?

It was knowing the answer to that last question that actually got me out of the car. The demons of my parents (aka chocolate cake, ice cream, pizza and burgers) will not shut up! They have been reminding me that life is short for everyone, but especially for people in my family.

The little boy who relies on me for so much should not have to suffer like I did. He should have both of his parents in his life for the long haul. He should not have to wonder what his mom would have said to him when a mean kid makes fun of him. He should not have to wonder what kind of embarrassing thing she will do when she drives him to the movies with a girl. He should not cry for him mom when things are difficult and know that she is not there to say all the right things like that sweet Mrs. Ingalls on Little House and the Prairie. I don't want him to miss me because I am not at his high school graduation or there to kiss him goodbye on move-in day at college. I don't want the favor at his wedding to be a donation in memory of his parents. Someone once told me I gave good grandma-like hugs. I want to live long enough to give grandma hugs.

So I guess you can say that Jake is the reason why I got out of the car today. I could say the reason is because my parents died of preventable diseases at such young ages, but I am trying to look forward, not backwards. I have decided to make major changes in my life so I can do all that I can to ensure my little boy is not motherless like I am. I have tried to make such life changes before, but I know this time will be different. I have this sweet adorable boy in my life who has been sent to me to remind me what life is about. It is about living. I've got a lot of living to do.

Mother's Day 2009

Dear Little Boy,

Thank you so very much for making me a mommy. I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone. I love you more and more with each smile and hug. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. With each milestone, big and small, you remind me that each day has worth. There were many unhappy Mother's Days in my past. Thank you for helping me make new and amazing memories each day, and especially on Mother's Day. Your tiny hand print present will be treasured always because it will be a reminder of how soft and warm your small hand is when you hold mine. You are holding my hand less and less now as you are more confident on your little feet. I hope you always remember how comforting it is to hold my hand. I never thought I could find so much joy in the small things like holding your hand, kissing your belly, hearing you get excited when I walk in the door, and receiving a wet kiss from you. Thank you for bring me that joy. I am excited for tomorrow and know whatever we do, we will find joy in spending time as a family. I love you and your dad with all my heart!

All my love,
Mommy

It's Almost May... that means Mother's Day

I can honestly say that I do not remember Mother's Day before my mom died. Isn't that weird? I did not realize this until last Mother's day, which was my first one as a mother. I am sure I made my mom construction paper cards and I am sure my dad attempted to make breakfast or something along those lines. I can remember many holidays and even "regular" days from the first ten year of my life. I am clueless as to why I cannot remember a single Mother's Day with my mom.

I do remember many Mother's Days since my mom died. I often dreaded seeing the calendar change from April to May. The anticipation killed me. Would my dad even mention it? He rarely did. Would I be busy that day and forget about it? Fat chance! How could I forget about it... it's everywhere.

Some Mother's Days were better than others. I remember one year shortly after my mom died I went to Adventureland with my good friend Stacie and her mom and sister. What a day! It must have been the May after she died because I can distinctly remember feeling like I had not smiled that much in a long time. There was another when I spent the day with my God-parents and cousins. I think I even took a walk down to the beach that day. It was bittersweet because I remembered all the great times the two families had spent together over the years. Boy, how life changes!

Some Mother's Days have been awkward. One of the first Mother's Day I was married I felt like crying the whole day. Not only did I miss my mom terribly, but I had been going through infertility treatments and had extra hormones pumping through my body. We had taken my Mother-in-law to brunch the day before and gone to the cemetery and the hospital (to visit my husband's grandmother) on Sunday. I thought my family obligations had been fulfilled and I could cry alone in bed while watching Beaches for the remainder of the day. Instead, it was a barbecue at my in-laws' house. It wasn't terrible, but my heart was not into it. And apparently, my mother-in-law picked up on it. I got in a little trouble!

Last Mother's Day was my first as a mom and it was a little awkward, too. Jake was less than 2 months old. We had breakfast as a family (just the three of us) and then made my obligatory cemetery run. We spent more time in the car than actually at my parents' graves. Then, we went to my in-laws for dinner. This time my heart was a little more into it but I still missed my mom terribly. When will that end?

So, I am already feeling a little jumpy at talk of planning this year's festivities. I have heard that maybe my gorgeous, smart, talented, sweet, amazing little boy has created something for me at daycare. I have a feeling it includes hand prints and plaster of paris. I'm psyched! Whatever it is, I will treasure it.

Happy (early) Mother's Day!

Give Kids (and Adults) the World

As a good friend was getting ready to take a very special trip with her husband and 4 year old son I once again began to think about how important it was (and is) to me to make memories with my family. About sixteen months ago, my friend's son was diagnosed with leukemia. His road to recovery is long but the prognosis is good. The family's "new normal" includes things that became my family's "normal" when I was a child and my mom was diagnosed with cancer -- port-a-catheters, steroids, chemo, upset stomachs, etc. This amazing little boy's wish was granted and he was able to take a trip to Walt Disney World, allowing the family to get away and make some new memories. This is what got me thinking!

I remember so much of the mundane, sad, dreary aspects of my mom's illness. She was finally diagnosed in May 1988 with the cancer that had been plaguing her since late 1987. Between May 1988 and January 1989 she suffered greatly and my family's "new normal" became an awful mixture of daily activities a little girl was used to, hospital stays, in-home nursing care, and my dad's first heart-attack. Wouldn't it have been amazing for my mom to have had a wish granted? Not just for her, but for us, too. I have been blessed with an amazing memory, but I have to say there were not that many happy times to be remembered while my mom was ill. What an amazing gift it is to have a wish granted!

I know that my friend was a little apprehensive to go on this amazing trip with her family because she was afraid it would remind her that her precious little boy is really very ill. He is doing wonderfully now, but I suppose there is always fear that things could change. It seems as if the miraculous-ness of the trip, and especially of their lodging accommodations was worth the anxiety my friend experienced. The family stayed at an incredible place called Give Kids the World Village. It sounds like an amazing place filled with love, honor, tender loving care, and fun. I wondered if such experiences were available for adults, like my mom who could benefit from such love, honor, tender loving care, and fun. I was pleasantly surprised to find that such organizations do exist! Here are some that I found: Dream Foundation, The Dream Lives On, One Gift, and Her Heart's Wish. I look forward to learning more about these organizations.