I sat in my car for about twenty minutes today in the gym parking lot trying to figure out if I really wanted to go inside. What if I looked like an idiot? Do I just hold onto my car keys? Do I wipe off the equipment before, after, or before and after I use it? Do I show the person at the desk my key chain or do I just tell him or her my number? Do I really want to make a change in my life?
It was knowing the answer to that last question that actually got me out of the car. The demons of my parents (aka chocolate cake, ice cream, pizza and burgers) will not shut up! They have been reminding me that life is short for everyone, but especially for people in my family.
The little boy who relies on me for so much should not have to suffer like I did. He should have both of his parents in his life for the long haul. He should not have to wonder what his mom would have said to him when a mean kid makes fun of him. He should not have to wonder what kind of embarrassing thing she will do when she drives him to the movies with a girl. He should not cry for him mom when things are difficult and know that she is not there to say all the right things like that sweet Mrs. Ingalls on Little House and the Prairie. I don't want him to miss me because I am not at his high school graduation or there to kiss him goodbye on move-in day at college. I don't want the favor at his wedding to be a donation in memory of his parents. Someone once told me I gave good grandma-like hugs. I want to live long enough to give grandma hugs.
So I guess you can say that Jake is the reason why I got out of the car today. I could say the reason is because my parents died of preventable diseases at such young ages, but I am trying to look forward, not backwards. I have decided to make major changes in my life so I can do all that I can to ensure my little boy is not motherless like I am. I have tried to make such life changes before, but I know this time will be different. I have this sweet adorable boy in my life who has been sent to me to remind me what life is about. It is about living. I've got a lot of living to do.
